Camp last week was hands down the most exhausting and draining week we've had yet. The first week of camp was physically hard in that the kids all had a ton of crazy energy and wouldn't sit still; the second week of camp was like a breathe of fresh air because the kids were all so sweet and quiet and obedient; but my goodness, this third week of camp was a whole different ball game because it was spiritually, emotionally, and mentally taxing. Last week, I ended up helping one of the short term missionaries Emily at the craft station instead of leading a team of my own, which meant that I had the unique opportunity to see all the kids and all the leaders during the day and got to observe behaviors and interactions that I would not normally have the privilege of seeing if I had my own kiddos to take care of. And I'm not going to lie, it was heavy. We had kids ranging from ages 3-20 at camp this week, and while the younger ones were some of the sweetest kids I've ever met, the majority of kids were over the age of 14, and well, let's just say that they've been dealt an incredibly rough hand of cards. These teenagers all came from incredibly difficult and traumatic pasts that left most, if not all, of them with a number of behavioral and mental issues. Specifically, we had a group of older teenage boys that just required an abundance of extra grace and love. They caused multiple fights, showed up to camp drunk, interacted with girls inappropriately, and snuck away to smoke. In addition, we also had three pregnant teenage girls participating at camp, and my heart ached every time I saw them at craft because they honestly still looked like children themselves, but they were preparing to take on the role of motherhood far too soon. It was eye-opening having the little kids at camp the same week as the teenagers. As I played with some of the little kids during craft time, I couldn't shake the thought that the teenagers at camp were probably once like these precious little children themselves, but because they don't have a family to love on them and care for them, they've become hardened and traumatized and just so, so broken. The thought that there was a very, very high probability that the sweet, precious little children could grow up to be as broken as these teenagers shattered my heart to pieces.

Last week I was confronted with the realization that we're not just working against mere flesh; we're fighting an intense spiritual battle of good and evil while serving these kids. I remember walking into the gym last Wednesday and just feeling this dark, oppressive presence over the place. I don't think I've ever felt brokenness so tangibly before, and we all came home that day with low spirits and discouraged hearts. BUT, God was (and still very much is) so incredibly gracious to us. In the midst of the chaos and messiness and troubles, He was making beauty rise from ashes, and the week turned out to be full of amazing surprises. Some of us had the opportunity to have intimate conversations with campers, and some of the seemingly "tough" and "cool" teens shared their heartbreaking stories, asked questions about Jesus, and just had the chance to be heard by someone who genuinely cared about them. Camp was an opportunity for these kids and teens to just reclaim their childhood and have fun in a safe, loving environment, and it was heartwarming seeing the smiles and hearing the laughter of the campers during the week.

I also found it humbling that the week I didn't have any kids on my own team to take care of was the week I felt the most connected to and broken for the kids. If I'm completely honest, I'd been frustrated with how spiritually dry I'd been feeling since I've been here. I felt like I was in this black hole where nothing was really affecting me emotionally like it probably should. I was honestly expecting, even praying, that while I'm here in Romania, I would have this profound encounter with God's Father heart for orphans and that I would be in this constant emotional state of brokenness and tears over the hearts of the kids we're working with at camp. But did you catch the problem with that? I was expecting it. I realized that I'd been placing a lot of unrealistic expectations on this trip, and the biggest problem with that was that I was essentially telling God how I would like Him to work through me and that I would like to be broken in a particular way and feel certain things and so on and so forth. But goodness, that's just so petty and selfish and foolish and wrong of me to think that way. Who am I to tell the Almighty and Sovereign God what I want to do with my life, a life that's not even mine to call my own in the first place? It's been a humbling and sanctifying process allowing the Lord to prune my sinful little heart and teach me again (for what is probably like the 4543948756th time) that I need to surrender control of my life completely to Him because I can do nothing good apart from my Savior. But in that surrender, my Father has so graciously exchanged my frustration for His peace, my fear for His courage to love recklessly, and my ambivalent heart for His broken heart for these kids. So yes, while life lately has been messy and chaotic, somehow it's still been insanely beautiful, and I can't help but praise Him for that. God is doing incredible things here in Romania, and I'm so thankful and humbled that I get to be here to see and participate in the work that's being done in these children's lives, and that He's chosen to graciously work in mine as well.